Doris’ Life Lessons

Treasure what you have.

Time is too slow for those who wait;

Too swift for those who fear;

Too long for those who grief;

Too short for those who rejoice;

But for those who love

Time is Eternity

Earlier part of this year, my friend lend me this book ‘Tuesdays with Morrie’.

It talks about a student’s last module with his dying old professor every Tuesday until he died.

One message that the old professor (Morrie) taught this student of his (Mitch Albom) is that ‘It’s OK to cry’. Many times, Mitch wanted to cry but he held back his tears in front of Morrie. Finally, Morrie told him, "One day, I’ll teach you that it’s OK to cry…"

Whenever we feel like crying, we found ourselves fighting back tears. A friend once told me, "I realise crying does not mean that you are weak". Indeed, it is.

Tonight, someone cried in front of me. She has been holding back her tears since afternoon and finally burst out uncontrollably in front of me. It’s ironic that while it seems like the tough ones are very good at fighting back tears, it’s only after you cry that you become tougher.

It has dawned on me that sometimes tough situations in life polished us to be tougher beings.

To her:

Cry if you need be, but after that, move on for tomorrow is another new day. Finally, it’s OK to cry…

The other day, someone commented,

"Doris, you would have grown a lot one year from now…"

(Not sideways, i hope… hehe…)

Indeed, there have been a lot of changes in my life recently - going on to the next stage of career (since it’s nearing the end of my PhD), taking on the Presidential role in Toastmasters, many more speeches to make, learning to manage difficult people, meeting new people, exploring many different areas of possibilities, learning along the way etc… Hence, lots of learning and falling, ups and downs…

Anyway, this comment set me wondering what I will be one year from now. I believe I will be tougher and more polished if I survive these episodes.

Whatever the case, life is a learning experience and I guess I should be glad that it gives me the opportunities to weather through storms, to grow as a result and to nurture a better character (which I have always wanted).

And I’m really happy that along the way, I met people who are supportive, who help, who advise, who destress me, who lend a listening ear and who never fail to make me laugh heartily.

Let’s wait and see what I would have become one year from now… I’m anticipating…

Been bogged down by a lot of stuffs lately, like caught in a whirlpool of events that I don’t have time to blog.

Anyway, quite a few changes here and there and it got me exposed to some new perspectives in life…

Ever wonder why it seems like sometimes some people are just out to get you? I have been faced with a few ‘politics’ these days that got me bothered. Some people just don’t want to make my life easy. They just want to create trouble and learning to deal with them is an art. And it drains a lot of energy. That’s why maybe sometimes people prefer to work with machines rather than people. And that’s why they always say it’s better to be back in school than out working.

Whatever the case, my friend taught me this phrase,

"Is this the BEST you can do?"

The next time some difficult people want to make your life difficult by creating lots of trouble, just tell them, "Is this the BEST you can do?" Haha.. it actually makes me feel better even if I mumble it to myself. I will then say "Try harder.." and all of a sudden, I felt more in control.

The slogan is always

"Pursue your dreams"

"Follow your dreams"

"Live your dreams"…

Yes, I had been taught that, that no matter what happen, focus on what you want, your dreams, your aspirations, your goals.

Hold on to your dreams so tightly that no one can snatch it away from you.

Go for it!

Just do it! (Hmm… sounds familiar)

What matters most is what you want and not what others want you to do.

Yet, recently, a different scenerio presents itself.

What if, dreams are not what you should be focusing on right now?

What if, you have to prioritise and your dream is not one of them?

What if, the consequences of attaining your dream is not only your responsibility?

What if… dreams have to take a backseat.

This scenerio was presented to me recently and I found myself thrown rudely back to reality. Yes, sometimes due to certain responsibilities and consequences, dreams might have to be delayed. Going forward to pursue it at that point might end up hurting not only you.

I valued responsibility. And I believe strongly that there’s a choice to everything. Whatever you choose, take full responsibility of it. Don’t let others bear the burden for you. And in so doing, sometimes dreams have to take a backseat… Never mind, keep it on hold, someday you will achieve it as long as you keep it in sight. Afterall, it’s never too late.

If you have read my previous post, you know that it was my Toastmasters Club July Chapter meeting last Friday.

Other than being Friday the 13th, this was also the day when the new ex-co (2007/08) gets installed and I was the incoming President. Now, if you think that the President’s job is just to delegate tasks to the ex-co members, dress my best and smile sweetly at Chapter meetings, then you are wrong!

Previously, I also thought that the President’s job was just to say ‘Hello’ to guests… haha

Until I get on the job, I start to really understand the feelings of all Presidents before me. It’s not as simple as saying ‘Hello’, ‘Thanks for coming’ and ‘Goodbye’. The whole club’s fate is now in your hands and whether to rise or fall depends on your decision, your direction, your ex-co members, your enthusiasm… The responsibility is huge and people wait for you to make decisions.

Like one of my ex-co members told me, "If the President left, there’s a sudden loss of direction. We start to wonder what we are doing."

Other than the mere presence of this highest authority in the club, the President must also know how to manage people under him/her. There are always more senior and experienced members under her and this year, my ex-co members also consist of past Presidents, who have now become my subordinates?! Managing them is a great challenge. My greatest consolation is that I still have a group of ex-co members who respect and listen to me.

Other than this huge responsibility that has found its way on my shoulders, there’s also a Presidential address to make. While I had always thought that this was just an impromptu speech to welcome everyone, I now realise the importance of the Presidential address.

This address holds the President’s vision for the club, her direction for the next one year, the cause for her certain decisions. This address must also be inspirational and sincere (speak from the heart), both tonality and body language must be congruent with the words. It is also this address that will gain members’ respect for the President and have faith and trust in her.

I wanted to get my priorities right. I asked myself, "What is the purpose of NUS Alumni Toastmasters Club?" From this question, I got my answers and I put them in my 1st opening address. I wanted to focus not only on younger members, but each and everyone in the club, including the ex-co members and the experienced members. Everyone must be educated.

Everyone must learn something by being a member of the club.

Everyone must grow as a speaker in our club.

It was a good opening address. My effort to prepare has paid off well. In fact, it got the experienced speakers inspired that they decided that they must continue to do their prepared speeches instead of falling into the background as mentors year after year; they must continue to improve instead of just staying THERE.

I know some members are losing their interest. I must get back their enthusiasm. I must get them back and learn - to be the speaker they once aspire to be, to be the powerful communicator they have hoped to be. I have great faith in their potential as a speaker which has not been developed yet. I always believe that as long as one is willing to learn, to be trained, they can be the speaker they set off to be.

As I get on in my years in Toastmasters, I started to see clearer how the skills acquired to be a quality speaker, a quality evaluator and a quality communicator can help in nurturing one’s character and my career.

Even the falling helps.

Was procrastinating on writing an abstract to submit to my boss when he comes pestering me for it again.

Alright, I was lazy. At the same time, my mind was on something else (my first Presidential address tonight at Toastmasters). It didn’t help that it was Friday the 13th. Haha, though we have weathered through many Fridays the 13th. Alright, just to play safe, I’m actually wearing red today to fight off all evil… hehehe…

I was planning to write the abstract over the weekend and promised him that it will be out on Monday. But this afternoon, he came pestering me for it again. "It won’t take more than an hour. Just a draft." he said. Argh! But I can rehearse my speech dunno how many times in one hour leh… =p

Anyway, the boss ended with, "So I will receive it tomorrow? Yes?"

"Yes…" I replied on cue. =p

So I went on to work on my abstract and… he was right! I got it done in 1/2 hour and sent it to him. Haha… this is how big a procrastination can be and a bit of pushing does help at times.

I was attending my friend’s wedding dinner last night (whoa! the 2nd one in a week! Tis Piggy Year seems like more Ang Bao given out than any other year… more to come! ^_^) when we touched on the issue of magnifying on ourselves.

Last night wedding was an extraordinary one. I received the sms invitation from my friend (the groom) 5 days before the wedding. Thereafter, 2 days before the wedding, I received another sms to inform me that the wedding invitation card might not reach me on time and for me to just make my way to the hotel ballroom at 7.30pm on the actual day - without an invitation card?!

This makes one wonder whether I was on the waiting list - left a few seats, then conveniently slot me into the guests’ list. But knowing him as a really sincere friend, I seriously doubt I was on the waiting list.

As usual, when I met him, I couldn’t resist asking him whether I was on his waiting list since everything was just so last minute. To be honest, he told me the truth - that he had been struggling whether to invite us (this small group of PhD friends) for a while. While he wanted very much to invite us, he was fighting with the fact that we might look down on him since he took extra long to complete his PhD, even going to the extent of appealing for an extension in the candidature.

I guess I can understand how he feels. And I told him, "Everyone is struggling. We see each other doing well. What we fail to see is the internal struggles that everyone is fighting against. Friends will understand. And very often, we magnified our issues much much larger than what others really see it as. That’s when we beat ourselves up."

Ok, I must confess I’m guilty of beating myself up at times but I came to realise that ultimately, we are the ones that magnify our issues. Others don’t see it as bad as we see it. Some don’t even think too much about it. Many times, we are the ones who refuse to let go. Somemore, friends are quick to forgive. They won’t dwell on your issues to put you down. We became friends not because of what you have achieved, but because of who you really are!

Last week was an extra packed week for me as I was busy hosting a group of Taiwan delegates who came to Singapore for a mini conference for 3.5 days. They were 8 PhD students and 2 Professors.

In fact, it was my first time fetching visitors from the airport. We even have an A4 ‘banner’ to ensure that they recognise us. =p

Felt paiseh and nervous at the same time. -_-"’ But I guess guests are normally more nervous than their hosts. Afterall, they are in another country.

The next few days after they arrived was rather exciting. Other than the 1-day workshop which encourages discussion on research, we had a couple of lunches, dinners and lab tours with them and during those times, there were small chats about each country’s cultures and languages.

In fact, I realise that the Taiwan students are very obedient and respectful of their Professors. I think their family values must be very strong and conservative. Their politeness also surprise us - still give us gifts because we show them around and can’t thank us enough. We just felt too pampered by their friendliness. Singaporeans, on the other hand, are more open-minded and less traditional. At least, sometimes we treat our Professors as friends rather than elders.

Their main dialect is Hokkien and is quite similar to that of Singapore’s and I even had fun speaking Hokkien to them. Make the atmosphere less tense and built up the rapport, since they found familiarity in the language.

Overall, it was an exposure and experience for me to be hosting visitors from another country. I even felt a bit upset when I say Goodbye to them on the last day. Oh, btw, did I mention that the 8 PhD students were all guys?

Been catching a couple of movies lately and each movie always have one or two messages to take home (if you are sensitive enough to pick up).

Two of them just hit me because they present the same message - ‘You have a choice’.

(They are from the movie - ‘Spider Man 3′ and ‘Fantastic 4 - The Rise of the Silver Surfer’.)

I thought about this sentence and I found myself saying, "…that’s what people always say but sometimes you really don’t have a choice…"

Then something happened that made me see that we indeed have a choice…

I was supposed to give a technical presentation at a scientific workshop on Wednesday morning. It was to be a mini conference between Singapore and Taiwan delegates. I was also assigned to be part of the organising committee to be in charge of fetching them from the airport. Hence, was quite busy and by Tuesday night, I’m still revising my powerpoint and I wonder why I always leave things to the last minute. Worse still, I don’t have a script yet. But being a Toastmaster, I really cannot allow myself to go out and deliver a lousy speech. At least, certain minimum standards must be reached.

I woke up at 3am on Wednesday morning to write my script and run through my powerpoint. And I found myself asking, "Why did I put myself in this situation… but I have no choice… NO! I have a choice. I can choose to go back to sleep or rehearse my speech… I just have to be responsible for all consequences that comes with my choice. Sleep and take responsible of a lousy speech made OR sacrifice sleep to at least deliver a decent speech."

True. Many times we think we don’t have a choice and are forced to make that one choice that seems to be present then. Yet, if we think about it, we do have a choice. We just have to be responsible for all consequences that come with the choice made. Sometimes, we leave ourselves with only one option because we refuse to take responsibility of the consequences that come with other choices made.

Remember, you do have a choice! You just have to be responsible for it.