Doris’ Life Lessons

Some weeks ago, while on the supper table with my usual group of Toastmaster friends, we broach on the topic of relationship - Learning to strike a balance.

This topic came about because my Mom called half-way during our supper to tell me it’s time to go home.

Mom: "What time is it now? So late still loitering outside? Better come home now!"

As Toastmasters, we never lack stuffs to discuss about and this call triggered another round of discussion -

TM1: "Doris! Tell your Mom you are already an adult. You can take care of yourself."

TM2: "Your Mom must learn to let go. When will she start treating you like a grown-up?"

TM3: "She has to learn to stop worrying for you and you must sit down and talk it out with her."

TM4: "Rebel!!!"

So much for the extreme feelings from these Toastmasters who were already parents… haha… Anyway, one of them later shared with me the 3 sets of circles in a Relationship which I shared later with my Mom…

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The 3 sets of circles in a relationship

Set #1:

The two circles represent two individuals. Set #1 shows that the circles are mutually exclusive. None intersect with the other, which means that each mind their own business. There is minimal or no interaction.

Set #2:

In Set #2, the two circles nearly encircle each other, which means that each is fully involved in the other’s activities. There is never a thing that one individual does that the other does not know. In the long-run, one may feel ’suffocated’ by the other’s invasion.

Set #3:

This is the ideal case that every relationship should strive for - building a balance. In Set #3, the two circles intersect partially, meaning that there are ‘together times’ and there are ‘private times’. This allow for breathing space and appropriate bonding space.

"Sometimes we do things together, sometimes we don’t.

Sometimes we enjoy time spent together, sometimes we enjoy being in solitude or time with our friends.

You have your life, I have my life, and there are times when we spent our life together.

We feel emotionally secure with ourselves."

I believe that this theory applies not only to parent-child relationship, but to all relationships as long as two parties are involved. Not sure if my Mom can digest everything at one gone, but I know she’s learning to let go, bit by bit.

Meanwhile, to get to that balance state, I am learning to put myself in her shoes and understand a Mother’s concern. ^_^

4 years ago, I’ve realized this -

The noises around me.

4 years later, I’m still affected by them -

The noises around me.

I have this issue with the noises around me - Opinions, comments and remarks made by others about me - they affect me greatly. From frivolous remarks to constructive feedbacks; from what my Mom says to what my teacher says - It all matters to me. And I’ll do whatever I can to fulfil what they want, just to shut them up.

Yet, 4 years later, maybe … I have learnt to sieve out the constructive ones from the frivolous and opinionated ones. I have come to realize that nothing is definite and feedbacks are not always true and useful. After all, what matters most is what you think about yourself and not what others think about you. An individual must be strong enough to have his/her stand instead of being wavered by others’ comments.

I created an opening. While having certain core beliefs, I acknowledge the presence of noises around me. If they are useful, I use them. If they are not useful, I let them pass. We can’t afford to let noisy nags get the better of us, we have to execute control over them. And this control will stem from that core beliefs you have of yourself.

Ultimately, you pave your life the way you want it to be, the direction you want it to go, not the way that others think you should go because at the destination, you have to be responsible for your actions that bring you thus far.

Time for some laughs…

Heard this from someone last night -

50% of all women LIKE chocolate,

The other 50% LOVE them!

Give a woman chocolate and she will be in love with you,

Make a woman chocolate and you’ll melt her heart!

What a joke! Of course it’s BULLSHIT! Haha… and obviously, this is said by a man because he got his facts wrong! :o)

Let me clarify this from a lady’s point of view so that the men won’t be misled… hehe… and start to wonder what went wrong with his dates!

30% of all women LIKE chocolate,

30% LOVE them,

30% LOVE them depending on WHO gives them the chocolates,

The rest, 10%, HATE them unless it’s pure dark chocolate.

A woman loves the chocolate you give her IF she is in love with you.

She won’t fall in love with you just because you give her chocolates.

If she has no liking for you, she’ll offer someone else the chocolate.

If she likes you, give her any GIFTS and she’ll be in love with you anyway.

Give a woman chocolate and she’ll think "You want to make me FAT, is it?" though she will somehow cover it up by smiling sweetly at you.

Make a woman chocolate and she’ll think you are a sissy… 

Got it, guys!

It has been quite a week with emails flying around in my Toastmasters Club’s email list.

It started with a member mass-emailing in an attempt to find a travel buddy in our Toastmasters club to tour Western Europe with her. Then of course, with some of us k-po Toastmasters around, it triggered another range of emails talking about everything EXCEPT the Europe tour.

It turned out to be more of an educational and entertaining session, with all the big words used and also a battle of the wits. I’m definitely impressed by the list of vocabs one of the veterans has in his brain! But it doesn’t matter anyway, I still manage to rebut back using my limit amount of vocab… hehe… and of course, I get to learn a lot of new words at the same time.

And that’s the thing about Toastmasters - we are forever ‘fighting’ with each other using our wits and words which is really important because it trained us for impromptu situations, interviews and also improved our use of English.

Anyway, the email fights did not last long… haha… got a bit too aggressive and the President came in to stop.

Nevertheless, it was an educational and entertaining session.

Hi people! I’m just back from a short meeting with a Professor from a research institute. Phew!!

The intention was to give him an introduction on my research work and from there, possibly a collaboration. Ultimately, it is to be able to get his electron microscopy expertise in analysing some of my data and also to gain accesss to his EELS system.

Normally, my Professor will follow along and he will do all the chatting while I just show the technical results. Afterall, Professors mingle better with Professors. :p But, he just went for an operation and I have to do this alone.

Considering the last conversation with another Professor on my research work didn’t kick off well (felt like being snubbed at the end), I was feeling rather nervous for this one. Afterall, it took a couple of emails from my side to get this latest one to grant me just this one appointment.

Then I remembered reading somewhere -

‘Sometimes, you just have to get your way through’.

Ok, no matter what happen, whether I’m going to be snubbed for my stupidity or what, I have to get my way through. That’s life, right?

Nevertheless, I was rather nervous while waiting for him at the lobby, so nervous that I felt my throat getting grainy…

He came, and I felt like a salesperson introducing my sales proposal to him. Alas! He was quite keen with my stuffs and show quite a bit of interest. Then he gives his comments on how I should proceed, what I should take note of and also, when he will be travelling so that I can expect slow email response during that period! He also tell me to remind him if he forgets to reply my email sometimes because he normally has one whole chuck of uncleared emails, so it’s easy to miss out my email. Finally, we ended with a short chat on his newly installed electron microscopy. Phew!

So far so good. In fact, I was practising some of the techniques I’ve read from a communication book lately - taking note of the rapport building, facing him when we talk and appearing confident as I speak. Halfway through, I noticed I was speaking a bit too fast (probably due to nervousness), so I slowed down a bit, putting in some pauses.

I guess it’s a 2-way thing. While I was worried about whether I can understand his English accent (he’s an ang-moh), I think he was also worried that he did not understand mine too. :o) Luckily, it all went through smoothly. Nice guy!

Two things I have learnt from this experience -

1. Sometimes, you just have to get your way through, whether you are ready or not. No one’s really 100% ready for anything. Once gone through, it’s another experience.

2. The response that I get from another party usually starts from my mind.

If I have an impression that this is going to be a snobbish man that I’m going to meet, I would have perceived him to be snobbish and whatever he says sound snobbish to me. A single chuckle from him, I would have deem as laughing at my stupidity, then I will felt snubbed and then I will complain and complain, blame and blame after that… hehe

If I think he’s going to be friendly and conversational, it will be a better conversation. That chuckle from him might be because he enjoyed the conversation. Afterall, sometimes people blow their tops at you not because they don’t like you, it could be because they have a bad day before they meet you.

Anyhow, YES! I still need more practise to hone my interpersonal skills. =p

Was at my school’s co-op this afternoon sourcing for a GET WELL SOON card for my supervisor who just went for a gallstones removal operation when I chanced upon this book -

Benjamin Franklin - The Autobiography & Other Writings.

Funny I came across this name at least two times since last week while reading a book on communication skills and while chatting over tea with my lab-mates on the invention of the lightning rod… now I see his name again - a great man.

Maybe it’s time I read about the lifes of great people, learn from them and get inspired by them. Afterall, I’m sure their lifes were never a bed of roses.

Hence, I picked up that book, checked the price tag.

My eyes nearly popped out! $3.00!!! Best buy!!! hehe…

Now, this spells very well of the books that N U S students have been reading (*roll eyes*) and it’s definitely not memoirs. I guess the demand for it was not very high, so they finally decided to sell it real cheap. Haha… lucky for me.

Yes! I got the book! ;p

Came across my mentor’s gf’s blog and saw this story. A bit similar to the one we heard about the father and son, but this time, it’s about the husband and wife. Thought of sharing it with you… a sad and sweet story… Sometimes, we got ‘blinded’ by the things we wanted that we forgot about those we already had…

Enjoy!

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A married lady was expecting a birthday gift from her husband. For many months she had admired a beautiful diamond ring in a showroom, and knowing her husband could afford it, she told him that was all she wanted. As her birthday approached, this lady awaited signs that her husband had purchased the diamond ring.

Finally, on the morning of her birthday, her husband called her into his study room. Her husband told her how proud he was to have such a good wife, and told her how much he loved her. He handed her a beautiful wrapped gift box. Curious, the wife opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible, with the wife’s name embossed in gold. Angrily, she raised her voice to her husband and said, “With all your money you give me a Bible” and stormed out of the house, leaving her husband.

Many years passed and the married lady was very successful in business. She managed to settle for a more beautiful house and a wonderful family, but realized her ex-husband was very old, and thought perhaps she should go to visit him. She had not seen him for many years. But before she could make arrangements, she received a telegram telling her that her ex-husband had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to her. She needed to come back immediately and take care of things.

When she arrived at her ex-husband’s house, sudden sadness and regret filled her heart. She began to search through her ex-husband’s important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as she had left it years ago.

With tears, she opened the Bible and began to turn the pages. Her ex-husband had carefully underlined a verse, Matt 7:11,

And if you, being evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more shall your Heavenly Father which is in heaven, give to those who ask Him?

    

As she read those words, a tiny package dropped from the back of the Bible. It had a diamond ring with her name engraved on it, the same diamond ring which she saw at the showroom. On the tag was the date of her birth, and the words…‘LUV U ALWAYS’…

How many times do we miss God’s blessings because they are not packaged as we expected? I trust you enjoyed this. Pass it on to others. Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for…

IF YOUR GIFT IS NOT PACKED THE WAY YOU WANT IT, IT’S BECAUSE IT IS BETTER PACKED THAT WAY! ALWAYS APPRECIATE LITTLE THINGS; THEY USUALLY LEAD YOU TO ATTACHMENTS!

These days, I felt like that ’squashed spider’ from Garfield comic strips - smashed flat on the floor…

Everything seems to be a cause for concern - thesis examination, Oral defence and graduation date.

One of my supervisors just finished reading my 1st draft thesis - "MAJOR REVISION, No BRIGHT POINT, Go deeper…", he said. The problem is he always use metaphors which left me scratching my head on what he really wants. He probably also don’t know how to explain them specifically to me.

The other supervisor wants me to do some more experiments and add another chapter - claim some novel findings in my thesis.

As much as I don’t want to, I have to admit that I am still caught in a RUT. Neither forward nor backward. Just stuck there…

How many times can one possibly face setbacks?

One time? I’ll bound back fast.

Two times? Might take a while but I will remain optimistic.

Three times? It’s a test that life throws to me!

Four times? There will be a better tomorrow.

Five times? Maybe I’m getting nearer to my destination.

Six times? This will be the last time I’m going to face it!

Seven times? I’ll go do some reflection.

Eight times? When is it going to end?

Nine times? Should be ending soon…

Ten times? I freeze…

I always think that setbacks will come to an end. Somehow, after all the failures, successes will follow. Afterall, nothing is permanent. But this time, it’s becoming a recurring pattern. To add on, sometimes, I’ll get snub by some higher level people. I start to wonder whether society functions this way - the brutal reality that I have to face.

The other day, I felt so de-energised that I just sit by the window seat in the bus, staring blankly out of the window at the rain. I have no way out and I asked myself why I ended up in such a mess. Maybe I should just pack my bag and go off to a faraway place and leave this whole mess just as that. Forget about all that aspirations! Just leave and lead a simple life somewhere (in New Zealand - Yeah! My dreamland)… but I know I can’t. It’s not like me to be that irresponsible. I’ll finish off what I started off with.

My energy is getting low, I don’t feel like doing anything, everything seems to be a mess, nothing’s going smoothly - Argh!!! All these negative thoughts filled my mind. I felt lousy. I felt that I’m living each day aimlessly, not spending time efficiently. I know I have to get out of all these, but how???

I heard a small voice in me shouting, "Take action!"

Then I remembered the story my mentor shared with me -

Some people dream. Others take action. For those who took action, some stopped after a while because they see no results. The rest continued to take massive actions and then they become what we knew as the successful people today. These successful people did not meet less failure. They just take more actions. They never give up hope and then one day, they reach their destination.

Others can look down on you, others can give up hope on you, others can say what they like to say BUT you must never give up on yourself. Let them say what they want as long as you are clear about the road that you want to tread, as long as you believe in yourself.

Complaining and whining are not going to bring me anywhere either. After all those grumbles, I’m still back at square one - facing the same situation.

That night, I wrote everything down - the actions that I have to take. The next day, I went back to do everything I plan to finish that day, whether I feel like doing or not. I know I cannot depend on anyone except myself.

I felt better now. At least I’m doing something, achieving some small results along the way. This way, at least I haven’t let myself down.

Last year, I learned that life is not all about work and there’s a time for everything…

There’s a time for work;

There’s a time for play;

There’s a time for rational thoughts;

There’s a time for emotional indulgence;

There’s a time for discussion;

There’s a time for gossiping;

There’s a time to be a leader;

There’s a time to be a follower;

There’s a time to appreciate;

There’s a time to neglect;

There’s a time to speak;

There’s a time to listen;

There’s a time to teach;

There’s a time to learn and so on…

It’s all about proper management.

This small part of my life is about musical indulgence.

I’ve just finished watching the VCD ‘My Fair Lady’ movie and oh boy! I’m still excited. It sure brought back fond memories. I got to know only the song ‘I could have dance all night’ when I was in Sec. 2 Choir. Never actually got to watch the show but somehow, by chance, got to know a friend with the VCD and of course, I borrowed it so that I can indugle fully in the songs and sing along … haha .. I’ve always enjoyed musicals, not the fast-paced type but rather the slower and more elegant ones.

Love all the songs inside but want to share a particular one with you which I enjoyed singing… of course, also because I know how to sing that one only… haha… allow me to indugle once again…

***

I Could Have Danced All Night

Bed! Bed!

I couldn’t go to bed!

My head’s too light to try to set it down…

Sleep! Sleep!

I couldn’t sleep tonight,

Not for all the jewels in the crown…

I could have dance all night

I could have dance all night

And still can beg for more…

I could have spread my wings

And done a thousand things

I’ve never done before…

I never know what made it so exciting,

Why all at once

My heart took flight…

I only know

when he

began to dance with me

I could have danced, danced, danced

ALL NIGHT.