Doris’ Life Lessons

It has become apparent to me that sometimes we spent a large part of our life in search for something when all along, that thing is always there.

For me, one of them was confidence.

I spent a large part of my life in search of this thing called confidence.

To me, confidence means charisma;

Confidence means feeling good about myself;

Confidence means being in total control and power etc… Sometimes, I wonder why I cannot be like some others who always appear confident…

Then last night, something strike me -

Maybe confidence has long found itself to my doorsteps except I have been too busy looking for it that I have completely ignored its presence.

Maybe I have convinced myself long ago, that I will always be in self-doubt that I refused to recognise confidence when it present itself to me.

Maybe confidence has come but it did not come in the form that I expected it to be.

Take a step back. Pause for a moment. Feel its presence. Has it already been there?

It’s amazing that sometimes we fight so hard and so long for all the things that we want without being aware that we have long gotten them - In a form that we have yet recognised.

Have our expectations increased?

Have we got greedier?

Have we been too caught up in the race?

Or have we choose to ignore it?

I wonder…

Immediately following yesterday’s whining about being bored and restless… sigh… my boss must have sensed my brain waves of boredom and restlessness. Because he just threw me another challenge - to generate another new chapter into my thesis. It’s peculiar that one moment you complain about one thing, the next moment that thing serves no basis for complaining anymore. Aiyah… I just complain for fun leh, don’t need to take it so seriously mah… =p

Anyway, just have a discussion with another professor yesterday afternoon and the final decision was that there’s more to do with my nanowires! Sigh… there’s always plenty of room at the bottom right? Tons of things to do when we go into the nano-scale.

Alright, seems like my brain waves are working VERY well and of course, I better get going again! =p

Sigh… was getting bored and restless these days after I’ve completed my thesis. Suddenly a load came off and I started to feel a sort of emptiness. Life is ironic - while I’m anticipating the finishing of my thesis, when it’s finally done, I started to miss the days when I’m writing it.

Anyway, I have been doing a bit of thinking lately - on my career after my PhD - what I really want to do.

Should I stay in the academic field?

Should I continue on with research?

Should I do a career switch? If so, where?

What is really my passion? What do I desire most?

What matters most to me?

Should I stay in Singapore or go explore elsewhere?

All these thinking didn’t get me too far either. Because I guess, it’s only when I have taken action and made a choice, only then will I know whether it’s the road that I want to take. Maybe just pick one and go! But I’m not too much of a risk-taker though… what if it’s a wrong choice… then I will learn from my mistakes… haha… enough of my self-debating thoughts.

Anyway, since I don’t feel like doing anything, I decided to pack my desk. Wonder when was the last time I actually tidy them. Tons of papers and files flying everywhere… Alright, think i sorta manage to pile them up nicely. Maybe tomorrow it will fly all over the place again =p… *shrugged* I’m not too much of a tidy person when it comes to physical stuffs…

While I was tidying, I came across this piece of paper titled ‘Lesson of the Day’. Four sentences were written below. This was written like one year ago, during one of my down times. A friend told me these four things, in an attempt to help me tide through my moment of internal struggle and conflicts.

The msg came through for me to remember these four things whenever I fall short of my goals and not to beat myself up for each mistake that I’ve made…

1. Appreciate what I already have.

2. Focus on what I want and what I can achieve instead of what others are doing.

3. Do my best and get as far as I can. Never get too upset if I cannot reach my ultimate goals. Be happy that I have travelled thus far.

4. Be Productive.

Indeed, it brought back not only memories, but more insights, this time round. ^_^

Whoa! What a night! ^_^

Last night, I attended Singapore one and only Philosophy Cafe and guess what? It was indeed an eye-opener! Wow!!! Was still excited today… haha…

The meeting goes this way -

On the 3rd Wed night of every month, participants will meet up at Gone Fishing Cafe at Bukit Batok. A rather small group to facilitate more discussion. A philosopher host the event. A few topics are raised and participants vote for the one topic that they desired most to discuss about. For the next two hours, a stream of discussion will followed on that topic. The philosopher does not involve in the topic but faciliate the rational thinking of it.

A bit chim leh… actually that’s what I thought initially too! Anyway, my friend was interested and so we went last night to check it out!

Topic was "How can a person always live in his/her real existence?" Sounds chim but wasn’t really when we look at it rationally.

What really caught me was that I can tap into the rational part of my mind fairly easy, analyse then logically and at the same time think with an open mind. In fact, I felt that this session has widened my horizons, seeing one issue from different perspectives.

Unfortunately, if one came with an answer/opinion/stand in his/her mind before the discussion, then there’s really no ground for discussion.

Indeed, it has been a thoughtful and educational night!

Some years back, I realized I have this bad habit - I like to disagree with what people says. Maybe in a harmless attempt to create a string of more arguments and thus more things to talk about.

I will go in a sacarstic tone, "Is it?" OR give them an absurd look of disgust… haha… terrible me… =p

And of course, it’s also since some years back, when I became aware of this bad habit that I make an effort to change - go with the flow - agree with people sincerely - respect their decisions.

Because I realize how bad it feels when people disagree with my aspirations and dreams, not seeing my visions, doubting my capabilities… and so I know how people will feel if I do the same to them. In a way, it created a bad impression to that friend who decided to share his/her thoughts with me. Do you think they will share their thoughts with me again? Hell NO!!

And I also realize that if I keep this habit, it will continue to ’sabotage’ my relationships with friends and family.

Recently, I met a friend who reminded me of my old days and thank goodness, I’m not like that anymore! Because I felt totally turn off, put off and disgusted by that continuous stream of disagreement. What I say became a topic for debating. Of course, I was looking for a chance to escape… haha…

Whatever it is, I would say, "Show RESPECT for others’ opinions".

There’s a saying, "People will only learn to APPRECIATE something/someone when they have lost it…"

Indeed it is and Thank God! I have been aware of that since my undergraduate years. Maybe as I grow older and more sensible, I have learnt to be more aware and appreciative of things/people around me before I lost them.

Appreciative of little acts of kindness by people;

Appreciative of the people around me;

Appreciative of my oven and power mixer?!

Haha… the last one sounds weird but I definitely want to give my utmost appreciation to them! If not for them, I wouldn’t have successfully made my virgin work of New York Cheesecake. ^_^

Just learn it from my Shifu on Good Friday and decided to do a solo baking for my family, my lab-mates and my Toastmaster friends one week later. I counted - I need to bake 3 batches to be enough for everyone. Luckily I took leave on Thursday to bake it during the daytime, else if I do it on a Thursday night, I think I will cry… -_-”’ Each batch took 1 hour 15 mins to bake and I have 3 batches! Plus I went all over Singapore to get my ingredients… haha… Cheesecake too high class, not everything can be found in NTUC. The sour cream and apricot gel took a bit of trouble but I guess it’s all worth it afterall!

Come the baking part and that’s where my oven and power mixer come into picture. To bake it 3 times successfully, other than having all the ingredients, it also means that the power mixer and oven MUST NOT fail me.

Let me give you a bit of history on these 2 equipment and why I’m so appreciative of them. I got them when I was 13 after pestering my Mom to buy them for me. It was a Takahi hand mixer and a National oven … haha… antique liao. I still remembered carrying them back by bus from Bedok… heavy leh. After that, I have used them for baking cakes and cookies. Ocassionally, my Mom will use the oven to heat up pastry and my sister will use them to make her Oreo cheesecake and Tiramisu.

On Thursday, the concern came. What if one of them failed me before I finished my task? I haven’t use the mixer for sometime and I wonder if it still work… luckily it does. As for the oven, I’m going to stress it for like 4 hours of continuous baking when the timer only show a maximum of 1 hour (I need to reset the timer a couple of times) PLUS I need to put a tray of water in the oven during the baking process so that the cheesecake will not be too dry. Never done that before and the oven was giving out steam and dripping water during the whole baking process it could go bonkers anytime! :p … pray hard… My Mom was quite concern it will explode anytime! Luckily, both survived the 4-hour experience and I have 3 trays of nicely baked New York cheesecakes! Success! hehe…

And of course, the ‘it’s all worth it’ part came when my lab-mates cannot have enough of the cheesecake. Begging me for more… haha… One of the FYP students was so happy I cut one slice specially for him he promise to cook his powerful fried rice for me someday… ok… I’m waiting… haha… Toastmaster people did not manage to finish all (guess a bit too heavy for them after dinner) but I pack it for my friend with six kids and the kids LOVE it they thank me on their blog! Wow!!!

Now is my turn -

Thank you oven and mixer for surviving that 4-hour stressing experience! I appreciate you.

I’m always inspired by this statement that my friend says, "Take action, do something! However small the steps are, they will bring you somewhere."

I was practising my Chinese Calligraphy writing this morning (haha… some last minute homework cos got lesson this afternoon) when I made a decision. I was having some problem with moving up to the next level of this art - writing more cursive style. Been stuck there for months and didn’t seem to be going anywhere. Then this statement rang in my ears. So I made a decision to start by going back to taking small steps - instead of writing out one whole poem at a time, I decided to go back to practising one word at a time. Practising writing the same word in that cursive style a few times, I know it will bring me somewhere. At least, I now have a few satisfying words than one whole bunch of unsatisfied words. ^_^ And I felt motivated to write more now.

It happens the same way for my public speaking skills. I was the Toastmaster-of-the-Evening (TME aka emcee) last night in my club’s meeting. It’s the third time I took up this role. And though I got various feedbacks about my role at the end of the session, deep inside, I have sensed that I have improved since the previous 2 times. I did not aim to be perfect, yet each time, I aim to improve. Indeed, I have and I’m happy about that. Been impressed by my improved level of ‘craziness’ and ‘wittiness’…(ahem!)… Of course, it also helps when people come up to tell me that I have kept the audience mood high that night and they have fun. And to those who give constructive feedbacks, I will work on those… the next time… hehe…

Sometimes, it helps tremendously by taking small steps. One at a time. ^_^

I have a friend who is a Mother of Six and a Commentor of Society. She submits articles regularly to TODAY and is a woman of very strong personality. She can be fierce, yet kind; harsh, yet soft; serious, yet childish; aggressive, yet submissive… Contradicting, isn’t it?

Out of her six children, I like her no. 4 and 5 the MOST!

No. 4 (a boy, Atticus) is 8 years old while no. 5 (a girl, Ariel) is 7 years old. I remembered the first time I met them (sometime last year) when I went to their house. They were playing at the front yard and when I reached the gate, they came forward to me and asked in the sweetest voice, "Are you Doris?" And I replied (in my sweetest voice, ahem!), "Yes, I am and you are number what?" ^_^

Maybe I haven’t been mixing with kids for a while but these two are so cute and adorable! That day when I went to their house, they made me feel so welcome I felt that they’ve made my day! :)))))

Recently, they started a blog and I went and had a look! Their Mom type while they say. COOL! While talking to their Mom on msn the other day, I briefly mentioned about visiting Atticus & Ariel’s blog and that I like it very much. Her Mom told me to leave a comment, so that the two kids can see. And this will encourage them to write further, as a form of polishing and improving their communication skills.

And of course I did! I even went to the extent to start a Gmail account so that I can login to write my comments… haha… Why? Because I know that my small act can make a world of difference to them. We work hard when people are watching, don’t we? We work harder when people praise us and see our efforts, don’t we? And as a result, we grow and we learn.

Sometimes, small acts make big differences. No matter how small your gesture, you never know how big they may make a difference to someone else’s life. ^_^

OMG! I can’t believe I’m doing this!!! hahaha… I actually went to my friend’s house to LEARN TO COOK on Good Friday! For a while until that actual day, I still couldn’t bring myself to believe it. Maybe that feminine part of me is evolving and mind you, I just remember I’m already 26, no longer 16. ^_^

Anyway, it was more of a fun event all initiated by me.. haha… You see, my friend is a great cook and I thought (for a while) it will be a great thing to go cooking with her. So I proposed it to her and she readily agreed, except we need the ‘audience’ (the eaters)… So we set it as a small Toastmasters gathering, asking those more ‘ONZ’ people along.

And it’s set! On Good Friday! We started cooking from 1pm onwards - Asian food. There’s beehoon, fried rice, Asam pork ribs, Shrimp paste Chicken wings, Furong egg, Belachan sotong and prawn, breaded mushrooms, luohanzha, NY cheese cake, water chestnut sago, sashimi etc…. Alright, I’m only helping out… and when the time comes to start eating, I’m already at the dining table while my shifu continues to cut her sashimi.. hahaha

Oh boy! I never know I can get so excited and have so much FUN! I truly enjoyed myself on Friday and I think the ‘eaters’ have fun poking fun at me… hahaha… cos I’m always the loudest. Should have known better to keep quiet. But never mind lah… cos everyone have fun. =p We have grown to be more like a family. Though we always like to poke fun at each other, when the situation arises, the care, concern and advice will come automatically.

Finally, I guess I have picked up a few cooking skills here and there. Everything start from small, isn’t it? I’ll aim one thing at a time. From my initial background of baking chiffon cakes and pineapple tarts, I have added to my list - NY cheese cake, water chestnut sago, breaded mushroom, shrimp paste chicken, furong egg… not too bad lah. Someday, I’ll do a solo one and see how it goes… ^_^

Alright, I finally went and see my family doctor on Wednesday after my cough went out of control together with a running nose that seem to erupt anytime. Stubborn me… haha…

While putting a thermometer under my tongue, the doctor decided to start a conversation with me. And my reply goes, "Wroh, wroh…" while making sure the thermometer din fall out of place.

Doc: So you are doing a PhD?

Me: Yuop!

Doc: Why a girl study so much?

Doc: You got social life or not?

Doc: Must go out and socialize, dun keep cooping yourself in the lab…

and he went on to tell me about how some of his female patients were reputable high-flyers, looks very successful outside but is actually very sad inside because after all these years of working hard to be recognised and successful, they have neglected their social life. Now that they are old and still single, they felt empty inside because they have no soul mate to share their joy with.

He ended with, "What’s Life About afterall?"

True. I agree. Sometimes we spent majority of our life working hard at our career, we neglected the other big part of it.

Like what one of my friends says,"I thought I have gained more, in fact, I lost even more…"

My doctor had reminded me once again - By bringing me to the future when I’m old to look back at life once again. What’s Life About afterall?

I guess this is the question that I need to seriously consider - What do I want my life to be like when I looked back many years later?

And luckily for me, I think I haven’t neglect my social life. I have learnt to work hard and play hard. ^_^