Doris’ Life Lessons

When I’m stressed, I tend to do silly things. Maybe just to be away from reality for a while and indulge myself in my own fantasy.

Last month, while I’m still on my thesis, I found myself behaving much like a 16 year old girl… heehee… fantasizing over some cute guy on the Taiwanese idol show, mesmerizing myself in their fairy-tale love story… hmm… (*Wu Zun is so cute!!!*)

In fact, just last week, one of my friends (in his forties already) commented that he’s surprise seeing this side of me - acting like a 16-year-old when I’m already 26. Oh boy, I was getting excited over some little girl issues… (grins). Guess he has always seen the more serious side of me… haha

What’s wrong with behaving like a child? Sometimes, when I found myself behaving this way, doing what the adults called silly things, I thought I felt more relax this way. Somehow, kids are always curious, never afraid to ask and are always having FUN.

I realise there’s a child in everyone and once in a while, it’s good to be a child again. Sometimes, we focus too much on the present, we focus too much on moving forward, to be an adult, that we forgot about the curiosity, wonders and fun that being a child can bring.

"Nothing, just for fun!" I would always say… ^_^

Finally… it’s done!!!

Yeah, I have just completed my PhD Thesis! Phew!!!

It’s been a long way though, lotsa gruelling moments… and for those of you who heard me talk about writing my thesis since last year, YES! It’s completed finally!

Of course, this is only a first milestone. After this, I will need to go work on one of my nearly completed manuscripts and hopefully, it can get published in some better journals. ^_^

Then of course, my supervisors need to read through my thesis (doubt they have time now … =p), and then I have to revise it until they think it’s ok to send out to the examiners. After that will be another few months before the final PhD Oral Defence comes. Haha… so will be a period of waiting and whining, I guess… ^_^

Whatever, at least my Thesis is out already. So I considered it an achievement. Come to think of it, it’s really amazing! One moment, it seems impossible. The next moment, it’s done! Still couldn’t quite believe it! But at least, felt a load off my mind.

Since the day I decided to embark on this journey, there have been some unbelievable moments. Maybe, the ‘me’ inside still cannot be quite convinced that I have come this far. I still remembered a few years back, the night before my conversion from Masters to PhD… I felt a sort of weightlessness and I kept asking myself, "Is this true? Is this going to be so?"

I guess my mind has been ‘programmed’ so much to see failures more than successes, to whine more than rejoice, to complain more than celebrate, that each step nearer to my dreams is always accompanied by my own doubts. Maybe it’s a way to protect myself from disappointment…

But in any case, I know my doubts’ not going to stop me from choosing my life and moving towards the direction that I want. Like what Chris Gardner says, "You’ve got to protect your dreams and let not anyone or anything snatch it from you!" ^_^

Last week, while complaining to my friend about my PhD thesis (alright, it’s almost done! ^_^), he told me to go and watch this movie - "The Pursuit of Happyness". He told me he got some inspiring messages out from this movie.

I checked out the reviews and thought it’s quite good. A check on the internet shows that the show is ending soon. Hence, I rushed to watch it on Tuesday night.

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This 1981 true life story is about an American Black Chris Gardner (acted by Will Smith) who is a struggling salesman. After failing to make ends meet, Gardner finds himself and his son evicted from their San Francisco apartment with nowhere to go. When he works as an intern at a prestigious stock brokerage firm, he and his son encounter many difficulties. Despite his troubles, Chris continues to honour his commitment as a loving and caring father, using the affection and trust his son has placed in him as an impetus to overcome the problems he faces.

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Alright, it’s difficult to tell you everything here. But I just want to share with you a few lessons that I’ve learned from this show.

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#1. There was a scene when Chris was playing basketball with his 5-year old son and he told his son that playing basketball must not be his career. There are other more important things to do, like studying, getting a well-paid job etc… His son was obviously upset by what he said and attempted to keep the basketball away. Then Chris suddenly turned to his son and said,

"Son, anything you want to do in your life, NEVER let anyone tell you that you CAN’T. Not even your Dad!"

*

Indeed, most of the time, people tell us we can’t. And when we continue with it and keep failing and failing, we started to believe that we can’t afterall. But, does what people says matter so much if you stand by your own choice? I know it hurts to hear those hurtful words but at the end of the day, you choose the life you want to live! Take responsibility and stay by what you believe in.

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#2. There’s a part of Chris’ life that he named as "stupidity". During an interview with the stock brokerage film, he actually entrusted his "bone-density scanner" to a Hippie by the roadside. Of course, she ran away with it when he went in for the interview.

*

Sometimes, when we are down and out, when everything doesn’t seem to work, we became too focus on the small things and forgot about the big picture. That’s where stupidity comes in. Many years later, when you look back, you will have wonder why you would have done those things.

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#3. The thing about this story is that Chris keeps failing, not two times, three times, but many many times. And each time you think that he’s going to succeed, he failed again and yet, again. Being a Black doesn’t help because he had to face racism at the same time. He basically takes on many roles during his internship - from being a slave to making cold calls and meeting the board of directors - all without being paid a single cent! But he kept his attitude because he has his dreams and nothing is going to snatch it from him.

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#4. Driven to desperate situations.

I saw a lot of breakthroughs in him during the show. Some may call it exaggerations, like not drinking water, not visiting the gents, not sleeping etc… But I believe that when a human is pushed to their limits, pushed to their desperate moments, the mind and body are capable of doing anything and we normally never know we can!

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#5. When a man teared. There were two scenes in the show when Chris cried. One is when he’s driven out from his hostel and have to spend the night in a men’s room at a train station with his son. He teared. Another is when he finally got the job as a stockbroker (being one chosen out of 20). He teared and said, "Yes, it wasn’t easy to get here."

*

Men seldom cry, and when they teared, it means a lot of things. I can definitely feel the helplessness and emotions running in him when he teared.

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The last thing I got from the show is that "We are too fortunate and we still whine". Compared to his situation, we are way too fortunate and we still complain and whine. Sigh… what is my rejections compared to his?

**

Ok. That’s a few stuffs that I got from watching this show. Have planned to watch it a second time to further reinforce the lessons learned and to catch more lessons, but somehow or other, din manage to realize that… haha. So here’s what I have to share!

My sister was complaining to me the other day about a lab demonstrator (graduate assistant) for one of her modules. The lab demonstrator had left her more confused after the lab session by not explaining much and by focusing on completing the session. Worse still, his attitude was terribly bad - rushing students to finish the experiments before the 3-hour time duration given and definitely not keen in answering the students’ queries.

Sigh… the students might have better done the lab alone without any assistance.

In fact, her situation is not uncommon. During my undergraduate years, I remembered we were blur throughout most of the lab sessions. We never question the lab demonstrators’ ‘bochapness’. It was until my final years in uni that I discovered some really good lab demonstrators, who bother to explain everything and leave the students clearer after the lab session. ^_^

When I later become a lab demonstrator, my main purpose for each lab session is to have the student learn something at the end of each session. Having taken that module myself during my undergraduate years, I can better understand the students’ state of mind while doing the lab. The module was not easy and the last thing they need was a lousy lab demonstrator.

Being once a student and later teaching students in lab, I can better understand the mindset from both sides. Under the scholarship scheme, lab demonstrators must first work 30 hours free-of-charge before they will be paid. 30 hours = 10 lab sessions. On top of that, they have to juggle with their own research. Hence, you can imagine that many lab demonstrators conduct the lab sessions unwillingly and can’t wait for it to end.

Yet, since we have to do it, why not do our BEST? At the end of the day, teaching comes with an attitude.

If your attitude is to finish the lesson fast, then you can’t be bothered about the students.

If your attitude is to enjoy the session and have students learn something at the end of the whole session, then you will do your best to teach.

I’ve always enjoyed teaching students, though I would have preferred working on my research. =p Before I conducted each lab session, I felt a sort of burden and stress. Yet, at the end of each session, I always felt a sense of fulfillment, having students saying ‘Good-bye’ and ‘Thank You’ to me. There was even once when a student came to me and say, "Thank you, you were really good!" Oh boy, that really warms up my heart… hehe. Of course, if I’m lucky, I’ll get to teach a class of 10 guys sometimes.. whoa!

A few years ago, I started this habit of day-dreaming. Of course, I don’t do it in class… haha…

It’s those times when you felt totally stressed up or bored and decided to find a place (e.g. bedroom), relax, close your eyes and immersed yourself in happy thoughts. This is my style of day-dreaming.

Why did I do that? For 2 reasons -

1. Becos by day-dreaming, I can create any thoughts that I want and draw a logic line to it. Drop all the worries and dream of happy things and things that I want to come true and haven’t yet. I’ll feel happier than thinking of all the worries. =p

2. I believe that by constantly day-dreaming of things that I want to achieve but haven’t reach there yet, I am repeating to my mind a thought which I believe will come true one day. It’s amazing that some thoughts that I used to deem as impossible stuffs suddenly become attainable as times pass by.

Hence, for the past few years, I have been habitually day-dreaming of getting my scholarship and doing a PhD.

However, as the years go by, with all the overwhelming deadlines and the fact that I need to publish more and more papers, my life seems to be dominated by deadlines, superior’s nags, paper acceptances and worries. I stop day-dreaming. I worried that I will be disappointed by the beautiful picture that I have painted for myself. I worried that I will get too involved in my dreams and hence become irrational. Impractical (like what they say).

But somehow or other, this habit never really dies off. I wasn’t better off without my dreams. In fact, I felt worse-off, uncertain and aimless.

Then I remembered that a friend once said, "It’s not going to cost you any money to dream, so dream BIG." True, I won’t lose a piece of flesh by day-dreaming… haha… In fact, I always enjoy day-dreaming except I think that the greatest fear is that it will not come true.

But then, so what? Let’s imagine it’s true for now and relish the experience.

I’ve got a friend who’s a personality freak. Therefore, sometime last year, he got a group of us to do a personality test (the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator personality test) and revealed the results of the test to him. Possibly to help us understand ourselves better and maybe to let him know us better at the same time! :o)

Anyhow, we did the test. And I was diagnosed as being an INTROVERT. Wat?! Imagine Doris being an introvert?! Then what about people with autism? (Hahaha… that’s always the joke!)

At that time, I never question the results of the test, since this is supposed to be the most widely used and approved personality test. Henceforth, I started to deem myself as an introvert. And I started telling my friends, "Hey! I’m an introvert, ok?" (Haha… sounds familiar to some of you).

Alright, I did take the test seriously, accepting all the contents of the results, particularly the part on the introvert.

I started to shut off from the outer world, thinking that I will perform best with my inner soul. I started to detach myself from group outings, thinking that too much gossips and rowdiness will drain a lot of my energy. And most of the time, I will shut myself in the room with a book, appreciating that moment of peace. Or I will wake up early on a rainy morning, and watch the rain with a cup of cofy in my hands… I started to attempt to live the life of an introvert, in search of that energy within…

And as one thing leads on to another, somehow or other, some incidents happened later on that makes me go back to redo the test. This time, the result was a big change from the previous result. And the most obvious change is that I am an EXTROVERT! (What the heck?!) I have spent more than 6 months attempting to live the life of an introvert and now the test tells me that I am afterall an extrovert?! Now, I start to question how true this personality test is. Finally, I decided that I have a personality confusion.

Fortunately, I did share with a few friends that I did a personality test. Most of the time, we don’t do so because we want to keep a part of our true self inside… Let them guess! haha…

Anyway, according to one friend, the MBTI test is most accurate when you do it on a normal day. Meaning that, if you were encountering some extreme emotions, restlessness or tiredness etc… prior to taking the test, the results will be inaccurate.

Something else to add on (from my beloved little sister) - Personality tests done by engineers are not often accurate because engineers are trained to be systematic and logical, hence they will think with their logical minds when they do the test. Which also means, they have the rational ability to manipulate the results… Btw, I’m an engineer…

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Personality Tests - You tell them who you are. Not the other way round. Take the results with a pinch of salt. ^_^

The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.
   
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.
   
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
   
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I–
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference.

***

I once had a very good friend and we will always meet to walk a same stretch of road together to a certain destination. Not too frequent, just once a month or so.

Maybe I knew it long ago - that there will come a day when I will have to walk this road alone. Afterall, nothing is really eternal. Yet, being someone who treasured old memories, I decided that even if I had to walk this road alone, I will go back to my memory lane in search of this friend to walk it with me once again. How magical!

Then it happened. Plagued by work and other commitments, this friend left me to walk the road by myself. I continued to tread this road, this time alone and with the company of an old memory. Even when I’m running late, or when it’s raining, I will continue to walk the same road…

There was a second road. A much shorter and direct road to my destination. Yet, I refused to let go of this old memory and that first road was part of this old memory. Many times, I wanted to embark on this second road, and found myself walking back the first road. Then, as time goes by, the fond memory fades, the magical feelings wander away and the road got reconstructed…

One day, I decided to walk the second road. To my surprise, it was much shorter and hassle-free! I should have taken this second road long time ago and it will save me all the trouble! I hesitated because I refused to let go of an old memory, an old friend, an old road.

As the saying, "Change is the only constant thing in life". Many times, I found myself refusing to change.

Refuse to change my old habits;

Refuse to do the same thing a different way;

Refuse to test out new directions and roads… only to realise later that change is for the better of me.

I had since chosen to take the second road.

REGRET is something that I dreaded and avoided. Most part of my life, I attempted to avoid it.

I used to say, "I do this because I don’t want to have regrets later on in my life", "I want to live life to the fullest without regrets".

Indeed, no one wants to have that sense of sorrow or remorse but regrets are inevitable in life. I, too, have my regrets. It’s like wanting to go back in time and change something, yet having that sense of anguish of not being able to…

Recently, I saw a different side to REGRET. During a meeting with my Professor one afternoon, he told us that one of his greatest regrets is - not to continue to do his PhD after he graduated. Else, he would have gotten it at an age of 29 instead of 35. And this delayed achievement has denied him numerous opportunities in his research career. To put it plainly across, he said he has wasted 6 years of his life.

"And it’s because this regret is so painful that it got him so motivated everyday, because he felt that he has no more time to waste…"

Now, this is the part that got me seated up. My professor’s regret had left such a large emotional wound in him that it turned into a powerful positive energy that propels him forward later on in life.

Haven’t this occur to us also? Sometimes, we regretted doing something so strongly that we swore never to ever to do it again! We were forever reminded of the pain inflicted. In my Professor’s case, he changed it into a positive energy instead of wallowing in his regrets.

I have decided - Next time when regrets come and I have to face it head on, I’ll change that sorrowness into something positive. Afterall, it’s a huge form of energy, better not waste it… and like one of my friends used to say -

REGRETs - It’s a waste of time! ^_^

Since I’m at the topic of Public Speaking, I might as well continue with it in this next blog.

I have just finished an e-book - Unleash the Speaker in You (8 Ways to become a better speaker) by Eric Feng.

I got to know Eric when I went to compete for the Area Level Humorous Speech Contest sometime last year. His stage presence & articulation definitely create an impression in me! Later, I found out that he’s also a life coach and has devoted much of his time in helping people improve in their presentation and public speaking skills.

This 2nd e-book written by Eric is short and easy to read, yet it provides 8 essential ways to help one improve in their presentation skills.

I know that some of you out there have wanted to improve on your presentation and public speaking skills long, long time ago but haven’t got time and courage to join a Toastmasters Club. So, here you go! This is FREE!

Check out the e-book at Eric’s website! In addition, you can also visit his blog for more public speaking tips!

Enjoy & Have Fun! ^_^

Hi pple, I’m just back from my monthly NUS Alumni Toastmasters Club meeting & I thought it’s magical to blog during this witch hour.

Veterans of my club remembered my first visit to this public speaking club. My feedback to them was that the club was not harsh enough. After all, I thought -

"To be harsh is to help, to be kind is to kill".

The evaluators were too kind.

Anyhow, I had my fair share of the whip and I started to understand how one feels when he/ she gets ’spanked’ in front of the audience, especially when we have some really frank, honest & straight-to-the-point evaluators. It hurts, really hurts. And I learn from these.

"Take things easy, Doris", "Laugh at your own mistakes…", "Learn from those evaluations"… These are phrases that keep nagging at me after I’ve joined the club.

More than 2 years in this club, I have learnt to let go & have fun while learning. The club’s primary objective is educating on public speaking skills. Though the evaluations can get really harsh sometimes, (like what I often say) only the brave will stay & those who stay and face it will excel. Once the primary objective is achieved, we always welcome some fun! In fact, I enjoyed testing out new tactics during each meeting.

Tonight, I did something that I’ve always want to but never really dare to do - I sang at the club… hohoho… and oh boy, it was fun! Of course, I make sure I did what I’m supposed to do before adding this tint of fun element in it.

I have learnt and is still learning to let go and have fun. Life is not about all work and no play, isn’t it?